Apathis Increased

Reaffirmed another man's faith in humanitis today w/ my good deed for the day only to have my no-faith fall even lower. saw a dude drop his credit card, and only his credit card inside a building while talking to my boss. literally stopped conversation w/ boss politely, grabbed card. had to chase the dude down out of the building and through a crowd of college kids late to class and gave him back his card. it was pretty swag. then as i turned around there were pedestrians crossing the street, and an SUV full of chotches w/ windows down actually revved the engine and sped towards a guy and screamed at him to get the F out of their way. yes they were all wearing cutoff tshirts.

this experience had me thinking the whole walk home about what i hope happens. Well, there was no physical way for me to kill the douchers in the car so I immediately had to jump to the next level.

Have the gods strike down all assholes. But then I realized that there are a LOT of assholes so if the gods did create the universe, the blueprints must have called for a shit-ton of assholes. SO they wouldn't strike them down if they've been pumping Earth full of them.

So then I thought that maybe all of humanitis should be destroyed. There would be no other way to ensure that all assholes are destroyed forever. So i wished for there to be the apocalypse. Whatever it is. Robot slave rebellion, Greys, natural random collection of planetwide extinction natural disasters. But then I thought that if anyone were to actually survive the apocalypse, it would be an asshole or collective group of assholes. E.g. what animal survived the asteroid mass-extinction that wiped out all dinosaurs? The crocodile. You show me a bigger asshole in the animal kingdom than the crocodile and ill give you 5 bucks. That would mean that everyone ever born after the apocalypse would be the son of an asshole, almost guaranteeing that they too would be an asshole. This cannot be.

So then I thought that the best thing to do would be to fund a massive research project to find out what it truly means to be an asshole. This would be a collaboration of the top minds from all major fields in the social and genetic sciences. Then once the essence of asshole-ism had been pinned down, all the social constructs, behavior, forces, and DNA sequences and genes. Engineers from around the world would make a hybrid weapon. It would have a viewscreen kinda like infrared heat signal viewers that would highlight assholes. And if the target is ID'd as an asshole the safety is disengaged and the weapon automatically fires upon the asshole with smart bullets and RPG's. But then i realized there were two problems with this plan; 1. anyone with the power and money to fund this kind of research is an asshole, and 2. the project would just be a massive collection of assholes talking at each other and humans will never be able to accurately define any social quality/construct or be objective about anything.

So then I came to my ultimate conclusion on what would be good for humanitis. Robots have been created by humans so they are out of the picture. I say aliens/higher being's who did NOT create our world whether they be physical and live in the same 4 dimensions as us, or if they be inter-dimensional time-bending glowing spirit jellyfish, they need to develop the asshole gun or equivalent, come here and just kill every last asshole. I might even be executed in the purge. I'm sure i've been a ass to some people sometimes. But that's not for me or you, or the person i was an ass to to decide. That's for the jellyfish.

And once the jellyfish descend and obliterate all assholes they will ascend again to the heavens/different time/place/dimension and the world will be at peace, albeit a lot more boring, and i have a sinking feeling in my gut that this asshole-free utopia Earth will be like Isla Nublar, and that just like girl raptors growing junk, some nice people will spontaneously transmorph into assholes. So maybe there is no solution. And maybe just like yin and yang, we must remember that in order for nice people to exist, there must also be assholes.

Maybe, sointex. But there should at least be sentinel jellyfish then who at least get the really huge assholes.

Dear Mitch Albom

Here's one man's response to Mitch Albom's op-ed piece I read today in The Athens Messenger, April 6th, 2011. Can't find the original article online, but did find out while searching, that Mitch Albom is apparently really famous, cool, funny, and probably a rich republican, and white.


Dear Mitch Albom,

You better stop writing in the newspaper, because, well obviously if you have anything worth saying, the only true way to say it is in person. Written text is just SO bland, cursory, and lacks all the proper intricacies and pragmatics of REAL natural conversation. Better stop using your phone too, now that I think of it. Oh, and anything else you use to communicate that isn't you in close physical proximity to the person you want to communicate with.

I'm sick and tired of baby boomer-and-up techno-phobes who have nothing REALLY pertinent or interesting to say about new technology and its applications, and offer no logical arguments against its use. We only get people like Mitch who go on about how they are uncomfortable with how technology is allowing for new ways to do things. Upgrades in technology have literally been happening since the dawn of man. Haven't you seen 2001?

I get that you think its important, honorable, and shows respect to the bereaved when you physically go to a funeral. Don't get me wrong, I think so too. But for a new generation of people who amass 800+ "friends" on their social networking sites and then kick the bucket, do you really want your family footing the bill for people you don't really care to have show up to your funeral anyway? Webcast funerals allow acquaintances, who would normally just send a card, a chance to commiserate. This is just another tool that will find a niche for doing something that helps people do what they do. There's nothing to be uncomfortable about. Just know that it exists and 100 years from now, when you and I are dead, there'll be some op-ed writer complaining about something else he's not used to yet either.

Sointex Jambis

International Twitter Rage Day

April 5th is International Twitter Rage Day! This is the day to be an ass on twitter. Don't worry, its all part of International Humor Month, so get to it and start RAGE tweeting!